Happy Birthday to Meeeeee

Four years (and one day) ago, Valourbörn was born.

Which is crazy.

Oh, little blog. How I wish you were more.

I feel like this is the only kind of blog post I can manage anymore. Some woeful daydream about how I’d love to blog more and bring this blog back to life and actually do something meaningful with Valourbörn.

But all the poor thing seems to do these days is collect dust.

It’s just that every time I look at the blog and think huh, maybe I should try to write something today… I just… don’t know what to write.

I mean, it’s not like I’m the same person who started Valourbörn four years ago. I’ve been off to university, and flunked out of university, and got an amazing job at a vet clinic, and am (hopefully) on my way to college. I’ve also been depressed, and trying to pick myself up from that, which has led to a lot of mental and emotional changes and growth.

Which I think is part of it, because I’m still tackling some of these mental and emotional things, and I think in a way rebuilding my identity, so it’s hard to think about other things I could write. And I’ve already determined that I don’t want to blog about depression stuff here, so it leaves me with not a lot to say.

I used to be able to just get a spark of inspiration and sit down with it and churn out an entire blog post all in one sitting. I used to be excited about a lot of things and have a lot of passion for what I was blogging about. Now things seem more complicated. It takes a lot more focus and effort to get out a passionate post like that, and focus and effort are not in surplus at the moment.

Sometimes I think I also overthink things. I’m always considering if I’m getting the right message across, or if my message is “right” or “meaningful enough”, to the point where I’m not confident enough to just try to say it. Or I get a stroke of inspiration and think yeah, I’ll write about that, but when I actually manage to find time to sit down and write it out, I’ve lost the spark. And maybe too I’m just afraid that I’ll run out of things to say. Which is silly because I haven’t even said anything at all.

Huff. I don’t know what to do.

I mean, I still don’t know what I want Valourbörn to be. I actually don’t think I ever did. I just kinda winged it.

But I can’t bear to just close the blog down, because I still love what Valourbörn stands for, and I still believe it has potential. Plus, I used to love blogging. I met a lot of amazing people through it, some of whom I still talk to fairly regularly. It’s not a part of my life I’m keen to give up.

It’s just… not really a part of my life, you know?

So. What on earth am I to do?

In case you hadn’t guessed it (but this is me we’re talking about, so you probably have) Your Story is totally not happening. Sorry sorry, I just really was not as capable of taking on that project as I thought I was. Yes, you can roll your eyes if you’d like. I know this is a common story with me.

I’d be surprised if anyone even remembers Language of the Small Folk, but I’d like to try to finish that eventually. Key word being eventually. I still think it’s an important story for me and I’d like to try to tell it.

Other than that… I don’t know what exactly to do with this poor old blog. I think I’ll work on cleaning it up a bit, for starters, fix the old About pages and maybe even reconsider the theme for the thousandth time. And I’m also going to just try to write something. Just make a post at the end of the week where even if I just write about how the week went, at least I’m writing something.

Maybe that will help get the creative juices going? Hopefully…?

I think I’m at a point right now where I’m just really tired of looking at all the times I’ve tried things but was unsuccessful, and of being surrounded by lots of things that I’m just not capable of doing at the moment. I want to do something, I want to succeed at something, I want to take this dusty blog and bring it back to vibrant life.

I will succeed.

Somehow.

Probably.

And I know I say this sort of thing a lot, I know I always make these promises and then things just fall through, and heck, even I’m skeptical, but hey. Maybe this will be the lucky shot. Because one of them has to be, right?

Right…?

-Alex

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